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Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
9:21 am

 

My journal is going to be Friends Only because some people decided to read my shit without being asked to and then had the nerve to leave me nasty comments...so if you want to be added and you're not going to be mean or judge me then comment to be added....xxx



current mood: bored

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Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
3:31 pm - FAT
OMG I am so freakin' fat. I have not weighed in thank goodness- I am probably off the scale by now. I have eaten so much. I went away to VA and forgot my laxatives. It's the Holidays so there is FOOD everywhere. I hate food- why the hell am I eating so much?? I feel HUGE- I have been looking at Thinspiration all day and it's making me feel like shit. I was doing so good...and of course I was going to get back on track yesterday but Jamie is off ALL week so I really can't until next Monday. I wanna throw up so bad. UGH xxx

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3:29 pm
      
[info]skinny is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

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Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
7:24 pm - UGH
OK- so I threw up finally, but it wasn't just the salad. I binged a little first. A few bites of cookie, a coffee cake, a bite size donut and some almonds. I drank milk too which I have not had in a very long time. It actually was super nasty when purging but it helped make me purge more. What is wrong with me? I love feeling empty so why am I eating so much this week???? I need to get away from food. xxx

current mood: cranky

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1:50 pm - I hate food!
What is wrong with me? I have done horrible over the past few days! I ate so so much. I only lost 3 lbs this past week- that's NOT enough. I just had a salad for lunch. Normally I would not have had anything but Jamie is home until 3pm. I can't even throw up- I want to but it's not even 2pm yet and by the time he leaves it's too late. Maybe I will excercise like crazy and still try to throw up. Oh yay- he leaves at 2:10 I forgot...I'll be back. xxx

current mood: crushed

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1:43 pm
      
models are love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

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1:42 pm
      
anorexia is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

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Sunday, December 19th, 2004
7:28 pm - Need thinspiration- BADLY
      
[info]wannabeskinnyme is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator


current mood: jealous

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7:24 pm - Weekend...
I can't believe the weekend came and went. I did horrible eating! I think I ate more these past two days then I have in two weeks. Well NO MORE! Tomorrow I am back to fasting and if I screw up and eat- it's to the bathroom!! I hate myself so much, I was doing so good and now I am fucking up. What is wrong with me? I love feeling skinny and seeing my tummy shrink- I am back full force tomorrow. Luckily I have been taking my laxatives too. I leave Thursdy night for VA so between Mon and Thursd morning I am excercising every morning and eating nothing. I am going to weigh myself tomorrow at my mom's. I was 168 last time I weighed in a week ago...I better be less! xxx

current mood: angry

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Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
7:04 pm - yuck
I feel like shit- I ate too much today for lunch. I wanted to throw up but didn't have any time. I am so pissed at myself right now! I ate 1/2 roast beef and cheese hoagie, chips, popcorn and a few cookies. I am such a FAT pig, I hope these laxatives kick in soon. I'm not eating anything for the next couple of days. I a, determined to be down another 10lbs by next week. xxx

current mood: angry

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Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
6:45 pm - FOOD

Today my body was screaming for food. I ate too much...it started with 1/2 bagel [plain] this morning, then some almonds. It didn't stop there, this afternoon I had 2 corn bread cakes [about 110 calories each], two triscuts and a small handful of Wheat Thins and then for dinner I had pasta! OMG the worst fattening thing to eat! It was spaghetti and meatballs [bread w/ butter too]. Yikes- now I have a lot of working out to do. I am going to excercise for 2 hours tomorrow morning! [I took my laxatives but it may not be enough] I already looked in the mirror and I am HUGE. Back to normal tomorrow...I feel so gross right now. Why did I have to eat so much?? I have to post a thinspiration!!



current mood: nauseated

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Monday, December 13th, 2004
7:04 am - UGLY Mondays...
I made it last night with nothing to eat! YAY! Now another day. I have lots of stuff to do today and this whole week so hopefully that will keep my mind off eating. I wish I had a scale here. I have to weigh mself when I go to my mom's. Maybe I'll just buy one- Jamie doesn't want one in the house, but if I hide it he wont notice. He doesn't notice anything. I have not been eating meals with him and he doesn't say a word. I mean I am glad but shows how attentive he is. I hope I can lose 12 more lbs this week. I go tanning which makes me look even thinner. UGH it's going to be a long day.







      
starving to be thin is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator


current mood: tired

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Sunday, December 12th, 2004
9:59 pm - Light as a feather...
I can't believe I ate lunch today. I didn't want to eat ANYTHING!! I had some chicken caeser salad, breadsticks and some shrimp...fries too. It was prob a million calories. Luckily I went to the bathroom and puked up as much as I could. I told Jamie I had an upset stomach. He bought it. And I am surprised because I had a huge smile on my face afterwards. I felt so good. I looked in the mirror and felt accomplishment. What's wrong with me? I felt my insides and I felt beautiful after I puked. I can't even describe what i felt- it was pure bliss. I haven't eaten since. I'm hungry but I'm thinking thin and thin is love. I'm going to go do my crunches. xxx

current mood: peaceful

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12:23 pm - feeling FAT
Ugh- I feel so fat today. I ended up eating a bowl of cereal last night. The weird thing was I didn't really even like the way the milk tasted. It's been so long since I had milk...I almost felt it sticking to my bones! I guess having mik once a week or so wont hurt, it's calcium which is good for me. I am NOT eating at all today [if I can help it] because Jamie and I are fighting and he's making me feel like shit. I want to feel empty and forget his stupid words. Whay do I waste my time on trying to make things right?

current mood: annoyed

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Saturday, December 11th, 2004
7:31 pm - Another day...
Today has been pretty blah! I ate a few peices of shrimp & a couple bites of veggies from Jamie's lunch. Then I had a roll at dinner [only cuz he freaked and told me to eat something] I know he doesn't know, he just gets like that sometimes. I have to take my laxatives before bed. I'll be empty by morning...ah such a gREAT feeling! I'm going tanning in the morning. YES! That is my favorite thing to do- it relaxes me. I found some great thinspiration photos...I think I am going to make a book...to keep me motivated to reach my goal [130lbs].

current mood: blah

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Friday, December 10th, 2004
8:58 pm - Thinspiration

Hello- can I be that thin!!!



current mood: bitchy

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8:38 pm - YUCK
I ate too much today. I had a biscuit and some almonds for lunch...then I had a peice of pizza, 1/2 a roast beef and cheese sandwich, some almonds and a few french fries for dinner. OMG I m going to explode. Thank goodness I took my laxatives. I don't want to gain any weight. I will cry. Jamie likes bones. I wanna be bones. I think I am going to fast the whole weekend...maybe just liquids. I'm so FAT- yuck I hate myself. Why can't I be skinny? I'm going to be! I wont be fat ever again. I'm so mad at myself for eating all that...I wanted to throw up but Jamie is here and he'd definitly catch on. I don't want him to know. He'll make me eat. He just wants an excuse to look around. Fuck that- I WILL be skinny. Skinny is LOVE, bones are LOVE.

current mood: angry

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9:44 am - ICONS


current mood: blank

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9:31 am - UGH
Well yesterday was BAD! Ok, some of it was ok- I weighed myself for the first time in a week and I'm down 12 lbs! That is awesome...the bad part of the day was when Jamie started acting mean to me [like he always does] and I told him I lost 12 lbs and he was like "don't lose anymore". WTF? So I said I was planning on loosing 20 more lbs or so and he was like yelling at me [like he's my father or something]. But then before we go to bed he puts on the movie "2 Fast 2 Furious" and does nothing but stare at the skinny hoes in the movie. And I mean REALLY stare! He was cheking out their bodies and everything. I hate this so much. Why do I feel not good enough around him? And why does it hurt so deep down inside. My insides were screaming last night [not from hunger] just from pain. I was even crying while he was checking out the girls on the tv screen. He smiles or laughs at me if I say anything because he thinks it's funny. It hurts me...but he thinks it's ok for me to hurt. My point is: why does he yell at me if I wanna lose more weight? Probably cuz then he'll have really no excuse to look around like he does- but he'll NEVER stop. I ate dinner yesterday and had some cheez-its around lunch time. Dinner was chicken and rice. I almost had a snack last night because I was so hungry but once I saw him staring at the girls on the movie who weighed like 100lbs that motivated me even more to reject eating. I have not touched food so far today. I probably wont until dinner time. Or maybe even at all. He's acting strange lately. I wonder if there is someone at his job that he likes or is talking to. I've just noticed that lately he cares more about his appereance and he's acting like he's not happy to be around me. I wonder what that is all about. Only time will tell I guess. I feel empty. My bones hurt. That's good, right?

current mood: drained

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Thursday, December 9th, 2004
7:44 am - UGH
I forgot to update yesterday...I had an ok couple of days. I ended up having 40 [small] crackers [totalling 140 cals all together] for dinner on Tues. I'm trying to stay under 500 cals. I am so FAT! Yuck...I disgust myself. I must make other people feel that way about me. Maybe that's why Jamie looks around so much. He wants a skinny girl. Yup, tht's just it. I am NOT skinny yet. Yesterday I did not eat anything until around 2pm- I was so so hungry that I had two triscut crackers [40 cals maybe] and then for dinner I had a weight watchers meal which was 210 calories. Today so far I have had a slimfast shake...it's 180 cals. I don't want anything else. So far no one has noticed. Jamie said he doesn't like bones. So I asked him if that means he thinks I am fat. He said "no- you're perfect, you're bones with a little meat". HA so he thinks I am meaty. Well we'll see about that! They had BK the other night for dinner and it smelled so good...I resisted though and that is how I ended up eating the crackers and yesterday I resisted temptation too. I could almost hear food calling for me all day but I like feeling empty. It makes me feel beautiful. Being empty is beautiful. <3

current mood: blah

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